Coming to Terms with Family Size and Fertility
Lately, I’ve been looking at pregnant women and mothers with brand new babies in a new light. When I pass them, I think to myself, “that will never be me again.” I am trying to come to terms with the reality that I have probably had my last baby.
I grew up in a family of three and, when my in-laws were dying, I often thought that they needed one more child to share the nursing and financial duties of caring for them. I love my brother and sister as much as I love my children. I have no doubt that there is room in my heart for one more child. Love is infinite. The more you give, the more there is.
I believe that love is infinite with all my heart. Attention, dedication, and time, though, are all in limited supply. I love little babies, but I really think I have had enough of sleepless nights and being torn. Today, I gave my first child his first formal reading lesson while my daughter was nursing. I had a full lap. While I know both of my children’s needs will change in the next months, I can’t imagine either of them needing less of what I can give them. And, if they should give me a little free time, I have so many other interests and ambitions that need attention.
If it sounds like I am trying to convince myself a third child is a bad idea, it’s because I am not completely convinced. I think it might have something to do with my age. You would think that having satisfied whatever urge to reproduce I had, the ticking on the biological alarm clock would have at least quieted, if not been silenced.
Is anyone else having confused feelings like these? How are you dealing with them?
Tags: having-more-than-two-children, ready-for-another-child, should-I-have-another-babyRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Baby Care, Breastfeeding, Fertility/ Infertility, Mental Health
29 opinions for Coming to Terms with Family Size and Fertility
ratphooey
Sep 27, 2007 at 10:36 am
I’m struggling with the very same feelings - the rational conviction that two children is enough, and the emotional (but also rational in some ways) idea that I’d like another.
Some of my desire for a third is selfish. I don’t want that part of my life to be over.
But some of the rational part is selfish, too. I want to sleep for 8 consecutive hours. I’d like to be done with PPD and be both sane and unmedicated. I’d like to find the time to exercise more, and get an advanced degree.
At 38, I have a small and fast-closing window of opportunity to change my mind. I don’t think I will. But I give extra-bright smiles to pregnant women. I covet stylish maternity clothes. I touch the tiny feet of new babies and wonder.
kbaggott
Sep 27, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Maternity clothes do get better and better, don’t they?
Madame M
Sep 27, 2007 at 4:42 pm
I have these thoughts all the time, actually. Originally we thought we wanted two; as parenthood started taking its toll, we thought we were done.
But there is this weird nagging at the back of my mind that maybe two should be it instead. So yeah.. this spoke to me, definitely.
A little help from the blogosphere for (single) moms
Sep 27, 2007 at 7:20 pm
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Mike
Sep 27, 2007 at 9:16 pm
After we had the twins, we had to talk for quite a while about whether we were going to have a third or not. In the end we decided that we wanted to “sets” of kids so that the kids would have older/younger siblings. It will be interesting to see how we feel in a few years after the baby is born, though.
kbaggott
Sep 28, 2007 at 12:15 am
Madame- The change from one child to two was deeply traumatic for me. The first six or eight weeks were among the most stressful of my life. That said, I wouldn’t have done it differently now.
Mike- I am watching your family and your reactions to “the third” with great interest.
Navi
Sep 28, 2007 at 7:20 am
I was done at 2. Woulda been perfectly happy w/ one (and I had my first @19). But when she was nearing 4, I’d realized if I wanted another, I wanted it to be when she was about 5 (and starting kindergarten), and I had a bit of the baby bug then, at 23/24, I guess it’s the right age to. My husband really wanted more than 1, preferably 3 or 4, so we settled at 2. Two was relatively perfect, even though the youngest turned out to be developmentally delayed (I guess it offsets our oldest who’s, well, brilliant, and even smarter than I thought she was according to her school - sometimes the delayed kid is much easier than the advanced one)
Well, failed birth control produced a third. This mom who was happy with one doesn’t regret having her, especially as she has turned out to be the person that communicates best with her older brother, but 3 is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge handful. It gets easier as the youngest gets older. She’s nearing 2 and starting to surpass her older brother. I often have her walk alongside me, with him in the stroller. As you’ve mentioned age, it probably does help that I’m not 30 yet. I kind of understand how tired my mother was (she was over 30 when she had her 3rd and 4th kids, my brothers).
Hil
Sep 28, 2007 at 1:36 pm
I’ve selfishly wanted a fourth (and fifth, and possibly more) but my husband is so set against it that he’s practicing abstinence. Our last baby was a complete surprise, and he turned out to be a lot more work than either of us bargained for. I wouldn’t mind a few more surprises though. I would actually LIKE them, and it makes me sad that at 30 I know that we’re done … and that we probably wont have sex until I hit menopause. :p
kbaggott
Sep 29, 2007 at 12:24 am
Navi- Thanks so much for telling us how it is for you. The huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge handful said it all for me.
Hil- It’s amazing to me that you still have enough desire/time to even want to make child number 4!
Jennifer
Sep 29, 2007 at 1:33 am
I always wanted one only. One girl. Then I had my boy. Well, one I NEVER thought I’d have a boy. And two he turned out to be so much fun that I want two or three more. Sadly, for more babies you need a cool mate (or spontaneous conception) neither of which I seem to have. And now I feel old. So it’s a lame situation.
Pickel
Sep 29, 2007 at 8:04 am
I struggle with this a lot. We have a special needs child by adoption and are in the process of trying to adopt another child. It has started to become such an adventure that its hard on me. Guatemala is now closing on us and we have very few options left. Fertility treatments are not an option either so where does that leave us in our quest for children? Don’t know…but I would like more.
Pickel
Sep 29, 2007 at 8:05 am
P.S. I silently envy those of you who have to resort to abstinence to NOT conceive. :)
kbaggott
Sep 29, 2007 at 8:09 am
Pickel- I only know your blog, but in reading your comment, this phrase came to mind and it felt like it had to be written:
Keep your heart open and another child will find his or her way in.
Thrifty Karen
Sep 29, 2007 at 9:34 am
Two biological children is enough for me. Having two children two years apart was hard on my body and me. My son was especially hard because he woke up 3-5 times a night for at least the first 6 months. Sometimes it would take him 45 minutes to eat. I was a very unhappy, sleep deprived person. Having three children would change so much for us. Someone would have to share a room and I can’t even imagine having 3 kids in carseats. (Kids have to be in carseats until age 8 here.) Then all the bottles and diapers again. It makes me cringe. I really enjoy children when they get about 2 years old. I enjoy playing with them, reading, taking them outside, and all that stuff. I guess I’m just not “a baby person”. Some people are.
The reason I say that two biological children is enough is b/c my husband and I have always talked about adopting. In 6-10 years, we may decide to adopt. Who knows? My children will be much older then. And maybe I won’t feel so rushed to do everything. Time will tell.
kellys
Sep 29, 2007 at 9:38 am
It is so sad to think that Little Man would be my last baby. I love nursing but I also love sleep. We are torn so we have decided that if we have another one, for a total of 3, Little Man will be at least 3 when the new one is born. So we have decided not to make that decision until the baby is at least a year old. That way the decision will be made with some sleep. Oh wait … That’s my 2 1/2 year old that won’t sleep at night. The 2 onth o ld is sleeping through the night most of the time.
Pickel
Sep 29, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Thank You.
Tracee Sioux
Sep 29, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Two is where I stay. I feel completely finished. I feel like I can move on from here and explore other stuff and do other things. I love my children, but I doubt I’ll look back on this period - the baby years - as the best phase of my life. I think I’ll look back and think it was the highest stress and the most hard labor. Not even slightly considering a 3rd.
Hil
Sep 29, 2007 at 4:23 pm
kb - We unschool, so our days aren’t as rushed as a lot of parents with multiple children. We don’t have to get to three different schools in the morning, or juggle half-days and early outs. We don’t worry about homework. I work from home, and I get to choose my own hours, so that’s usually not a problem either. The biggest rush is from around 2:45 to 3:15 to get the house presentable for my kids’ friends to come over. lol
The thing I try to concentrate on when it comes to future newbies is expense. Getting the kids involved with things that interest them is very important to our family (parents’ interests are important, too) and, unfortunately, more people means fewer opportunities for all of us.
kbaggott
Sep 29, 2007 at 11:22 pm
Karen- You know, the whole idea of a minivan instead of a car is my main concern too. I can barely park here in Europe as it is. A mini van to fit the extra car seat would be just awful.
Kelly- I completely understand where you’re coming from. I think you should actually wait until after Little Man has his first temper tantrum before you make a decision. The ones who sleep through the night could be dreaming of mischief!
Tracee- I also know how you feel. I think my daughter gets short shrift sometimes because I’ve already done the “baby thing” and hanging out at the play ground, introducing her to sand is just not as interesting as it used to be.
Pickel- Big love.
Hil- My mother grew up in a family of ten. They just assumed that they couldn’t have what they wanted so they stopped wanting it. The problem is that that attitude often holds them back now when they could pursue opportunities for themselves. Three is completely different than ten, but I know there will absolutely no time or money left for me for about 5 years.
Hil
Sep 30, 2007 at 7:52 am
See, and now I have the confirmation I need to give my hubby some peace. lol
Seriously though, in relation to the car, most sedans (and some subcompacts) can fit three carseats in the back. If you expand even to six children, current crossover and SUV models can meet your needs. I don’t ever want to buy another minivan again. (Ours has been sitting in our driveway for the past month eating up our bank account. grrr.) I should really post on this topic. :)
Ebircs
Sep 30, 2007 at 7:16 pm
I grew up in a family of four where I was the second-youngest. My eldest two brothers have incredible self-confidence and a belief that all will work out for them, while I and my youngest brother have never had that same inner strength. I’m convinced that this comes from the amount of attention we youngest received from our parents, which was much, much less than the first two.
Moreover, my parents were so exhausted by the demands of four of us, that they relied on the older two to help raise us younger two, which meant that the younger two experienced a huge amount of bullying.
I now have one adopted child and another on the way. I’m 43, and as much as I love my daughter and as-yet-undesignated-daughter-to-be, I’m tired most of the time.
Two will be just fine, thanks.
As to fertility, well, here’s an analogy: imagine that most people get to go to Italy, but I got to go to Spain instead. Sometimes I wonder what Italy would have been like, but you’ll never hear me saying, “I couldn’t go to Italy so I had to go to Spain.”
Spain’s been very cool and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Modified mummy
Oct 1, 2007 at 10:27 am
Well, I’m not at a stage ion my life where my decision to have another or not is a ‘last chance’, as it were (no offence to those of that age!)
but I seriously doubt I’ll ever put myself through that trauma of labour again!
We have two beautiful children, they’re an absolute delight, but the last labour was agonising! I don’t want to go through that again, and I don’t want to put my partner through seeing me like that either.
We plan to adopt our third child, it was a vague idea anyway, now after last time it’s a certainty…
Unless the only hospital near me decides to buck it’s policy and actually get an anaethatist full time so epidurals can be an option! Then I’d maybe have another ;)
Stephanie
Oct 1, 2007 at 4:11 pm
I’m 22 and have 1 sone and am pregnant with my second i’ve decided to get my tubes tied when this one is out but now i’m not so sure, i really don’t need the stresses and hassle of having three kids however i grew up with two siblings and i would like my children to have a number of places to look for support, and once i’m gone i don’t want there ot be any depressing christmases with only two people there. i know that i;m young and have much to learn and expiarience in this life however i just don’ tknow what to do in this situation. i marrieda wonderful man that was my best friend all through high school and i trully believe that we are meant to be together forever but i’m afraid if down the line he wants another one that it may become a problem. or if god forbid something happens between us or to him i wonb’t be able to satisfy the needs of the one that i chose after him. he’s sucha good man and i’m so scared that one day he’ll realize that i’m just not good for him. i mean he stays home with our son while i work and waits on me hand and foot now that i;m pregnant. he’s always worried about me and how much i eat. some times i just lay at mnihgt and think about how much different my life has become since i’ve been with him. he came over after i hadn’t seen him in 6 months, and never left. he come onver the last day of june, told me he loved me on the secoond day of july and proposed july 3rd. we were married on july 20th 2004 and have only been apart a total of two nights since day one. the only time that he did go home to get fresh clothes and take a shower. he called me 25 min after i dropped him off and begged me to come beack and get him because he missed mee. i don’t hink i could have found anyone better to make me feel like i want to cry and laugh all at the same time.
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Jennifer W
Oct 11, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Wow, I feel like a freak now. LOL Seriously, one was more than enough for me and I got a tubal after my son was born. I know my limits, financial and otherwise. I had enough of a ‘blended family’ to know another, but different, half-sibling for my son would be too much for me.
I seriously wonder what it would be like to be someone who wants a lot of kids, like my sister, and I don’t get it. I wish I did but I’m just not a baby person. I’m so thankful for my son, but maybe adoption or step-parenting is a better solution for me.
navi
Oct 12, 2007 at 9:47 am
btw, I haul my three in a cavalier (course the 9 yr old is tall and doesn’t need a booster)
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Amanda Regan (madamspud169)
Oct 19, 2007 at 9:51 am
I would love to have another child, my son is an only & the guilt I feel because of this just eats me up inside. I’d love for him to have a sibling, a playmate & someone he could love & rely on once I’m gone but it isn’t an option for me medically & Damn it I wish it was an option
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