Babylune

Conflicted

by kate baggott on January 23rd, 2006

Two remarkable things happened this weekend:

We put all the toys on the living room floor in boxes so that we could vacuum.

Simultaneously, the baby took a long nap all alone in her crib.

This gave me the chance to lie in the middle of the living room floor to deal with some “abdominal amnesia” through exercise. I did some kegels on my stomach, the cobra pose from my days of yoga practise and tried to finish off with some bicycling. I approached something like calm.
Then, my three year-old sat on my middle and brought me back to reality.

I enjoy parenting. Even the unpleasant parts. I love the fact that my son actually says “thanks” when I wipe his bum and that my baby girl looks so happy and relieved when I lie her flat on the changing pad. Cuddles and angelic smiles, warm cuddles, the careful examination of ant hills…all of it is a wonder coming from these beautiful creatures I somehow produced.

And yet, I always feel like there is something else I should be doing. There are always interviews to conduct, articles to write, proposals to compose and ideas to solidify. There are family finances to contribute to, groceries to buy, stories to tell and facts to find for my own peace of mind.

The conflict is deeper this time and has shown itself earlier. After my first son was born there was a three month period of fuzzy bliss, of learning to parent and napping. This time, I have to struggle to be fair with my attention and my affection while completing a list of tasks that has more than doubled with the addition of a second child. The love is there, unquestionably, but I think struggle breeds the need for distraction and therein lies the attraction of my work and the desire to do it.

If I could afford to, would I hire someone else to change the diapers and do laundry while I saved the cuddles and smiles for myself or would hiring someone make the smiles and cuddles less rewarding, less appreciated? I don’t think the answer is simple, nor would it be the same for everyone.

What do you think?

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