Babylune

Contradictions are the only truths

by kate baggott on February 17th, 2006

A friend of mine recently responded to my post on the post partum father.
“I was interested in your thought that dad’s are less involved with the second than with the first. That is very different than how things happened in our family.”

My friend was so exhausted when her second child was born that she just couldn’t keep up. As a result her husband went into service in a way he just didn’t have to with the first child.

Whenever my friend’s first child cried at night she would leap up and nurse her, but with the second she was often just too tired even to wake to his cries. So, her husband would get up with him and the baby regularly went back to sleep without having any milk.

The best part is that the second child slept through the night at 6 weeks, as opposed to the first didn’t sleep through the night until she was three!
I know my friend’s husband brings her a cup of coffee every morning. I think I now know when that tradition started.

I think there is an obvious lesson here: fathers can do anything a mother can (except breast feed). They just need the compulsion and that might require mothers just staying out of it.
I have an example of my own.
My husband occasionally pretends to suffer (?) from Male Selective Incompetence Syndrome (MSIS). Men with this condition pretend to be unable/to have forgotten various tasks in order to get out of them.

Recent example: Big brother B and I were sick and baby MC had a doctor’s appointment. I made my husband J stay home from work to take care of us and to take the baby to the doctor.

Starting with the baby’s bath:

“Well, I don’t see how I can help you,” he said.

“I don’t want you to help me, I want you to do it,” I said. “I need to be in bed.”

But, I did not go to bed. I was too untrusting.

Watching him bathe and get the baby dressed was difficult. Not only was the baby crying, but J kept asking me for help even though I was in no condition to be out of bed.

Still, they eventually got to the doctor’s where I knew the baby would have to be completely undressed.

“Did you get her dressed again yourself or did they break down and help you?” I asked.

“Of course I got her dressed,” he said. “WHo else would dress her but me?”

So, how did he manage without all the help he’d asked me for 45 minutes before?

While I was there, he was having an episode of MSIS. If I had just gone back to bed, he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to ask me for help.

I have tried to adopt this condition for my own use (FSIS) with some success.

I now don’t do laundry (although I do fold and put it away).

But I’ve done too good a job and now I can’t even remember where we keep the iron.

The thing is, I can complain (I am rather good at it), but judging from the playgroup experiences, I realise that my husband does do a lot more than any of my friends’ husbands. And I am not just saying that because we had a great St. Valentine’s Day (we did by the way).

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POSTED IN: Mental Health